“Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.”

– Corrie Ten Boom

Yesterday I had the pleasure of reconnecting with an old friend — old enough that she knew me during what I call my previous lifetime.  I was married once before, and this was a friend who knew me before all the changes came that ended that marriage and paved the way to the life I now live and enjoy.  It was strange to catch up with someone who assumed that I still was leading that old life and who had no connection to the one that seems as though it always has been mine.  And this experience had be thinking about forgiveness and the way it can shape us into something more than we dreamed we might be.

As is often the case, that long-ago marriage did not end gracefully.  It was a time of anger and hurt and betrayal and loss.  It was a time when harsh words were spoken by both of us; and it seemed back then that the best thing for all involved would be to stop speaking entirely and go our separate ways.  This sounds very neat and tidy, but there was the issue of two children we had brought into the world together.  When you share kids, you are forever connected, and this meant we needed to find a way to speak without continuing to hurt each other and ourselves.  It was clear that we needed to forgive; but neither of us had warm feelings for the other.  Forgiving seemed risky.  It could leave me vulnerable to another attack by someone I had learned not to trust.  And so I learned to guard my heart, and I took forgiveness off the table.

I began to rebuild my life; but as time passed, I realized that there was no point in making a divorce final if we were going to continue to live in the anger that caused us to split in the first place.  We needed to move on from anger, and the path to doing that had to be forgiveness.  I love what Corrie Ten Boom says about forgiveness being an act of the will.  My sad and angry heart was far too cold to carry forgiveness for someone I thought had broken it.  There were no warm, fuzzy feelings floating around for the person I once had loved.  It is difficult, when you are a person who leads with your heart, to bypass it and will yourself to forgive; but the outcome of this act of will is nothing short of miraculous.

I remember reaching the point where I simply told myself that enough was enough.  I wanted to live with happiness, and my heart was so full of anger and resentment that there was no room for joy.  I decided to forgive.  My head would lead my heart this time; and once the decision was made I would not turn back.  The miracle that followed was that my heart released all the things that were blocking my joy.  As time passed, I found myself remembering all the reasons I had fallen in love with this man so many years before.  Although we had issues that probably would never be resolved, we could find a way to live our separate lives without having to continue to hurt each other.  We could share the children we had created together, and now we also share the grandchildren who bring joy to our lives.  Forgiveness was the only path to the different kind of love and respect that now defines our relationship.  It was an act of will, and it warmed my heart.