“The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.”

– William James

I’ve heard people call those of us in the prime of our lives the “sandwich generation.”  I think this originally was coined to express the challenges of middle-aged people who simultaneously were raising their children and beginning to offer support and care to their aging parents.  I’ve been thinking about this sandwich thing recently; and I’ve decided that I am in the club sandwich category.  With my 61st birthday quickly approaching, I am parenting a grandchild.  Although one of my own children has reached forty, the youngest is just entering her last semester of college.  At the same time that I am enjoying the little ones as they arrive to complete the next generation, I still am actively involved in the hubbub of homework and sports and sleepovers with friends.  Two days before my own birthday, my father will be 89.  He is struggling to maintain his dignity as it becomes more and more difficult for him to remember words and names and the medications he is supposed to take.  He is fighting with all his might and confusion to continue to be — in his mind — the sole caregiver for my mother, his wife of 67 years; and he is losing the battle.  My sisters are doing the legwork on the front lines of the battle to move Mom and Dad to assisted living.  I am the radio operator who intercepts some of the garbled communications between the two sides as the battle of love and concern being waged leaves Dad feeling confused, vulnerable, and under assault.  ”I think this place will be good,” he tells me, “but if it isn’t I’ll be ready to ‘pop’ anyone who gives me trouble.”

As I listened to him on the phone last night, I found myself saying, “you know, Dad, it isn’t one place or another that makes you happy; you have to carry happiness with you and let it grow wherever you are.”  But I know that any change to Dad’s routine, the one he has relied on to keep his life independent for so long, will seem impossible.  It will take time and patience for him to adjust to a new home.  Dad feels the limitations of time more sharply each day — and don’t even ask about patience, or I might have to “pop” you!  Still, I will continue to communicate with him about choosing to be happy and hope that the day will come when he finds some new routines that restore peace to his life.

It really is all about choices, you know.  None of us is without stress.  What we need to do is make our choices and then be about growing our happiness — not separate from the stresses of life, but right in the middle of them.  One of my children has made some choices that have not worked well for her.  Today she will make a new choice that should lead her in a direction toward healing and maybe even some happiness.  Will it be easy?  Probably not.  Will it be stress-free?  Not likely.  Will it be the lettuce in my club sandwich?  I’d like romaine, please.  But today I will choose to grow happiness right where I am.  It’s all about choices, you know.