“Ancient lovers believed a kiss would literally unite their souls, because the spirit was said to be carried in one’s breath.”

– Eve Glicksman

As I sit here today and type my words, my sweetheart still sleeps, in a bed in a strange hotel halfway home from his trip.  After days of diving deep into the feeling of being alone, I find my thoughts turning to what I will make for dinner and how excited I will be to see my travelers and hear the stories of their adventures far from home.  I am not counting the minutes until their return; but I know that my mind will be clocking their time on the road and imagining them drawing closer and closer until the time of their expected arrival.  I will gladly give the gift of that part of my being to the joyful anticipation of their return; but, at the same time, I will savor the final hours of silence and solitude that mark the end of my own vacation.  Just as I am sure they felt a sort of sadness as they left the ocean for the last time and prepared to return home, I feel a pang of longing to linger as long as I can in the space that has contained only me.

During the course of the past week, we have talked briefly several times and sent text messages that barely interrupted the rhythm of life in our worlds apart.  Mark would text,

“do u miss me yet?”

“ummmm….sure!”

The banter is fun, but the message it carries is one of abiding love that has grown through years of sharing life — making a home together, raising children, loving, laughing, crying, and becoming who we are.

When the week began, I wondered whether — after all these years of being someone’s — I would know how to own myself again and be comfortable without all the hubbub and interruption of the life and the people I love.  I was worried that I’d waste my precious alone time bouncing from room to room and feeling as though something was missing.  I purposely made no plans to complete any projects or to make dates with friends.  I wanted to open my heart to the spontaneous gifts that would come my way and enjoy the freedom to embrace those surprises without the constraints of calendar or clock distracting me from the moment.  That was the idea — to simply be myself, in the moment, and not pulled away from truly being present by thoughts of other places and other things.  I will carry that experience with me, and I hope it will allow me to bring a greater depth of being into my busy life that demands so much doing.

I suppose that this would be a good time to answer those text messages.

“now do you miss me?”

“well…it’s garbage night…YES! I miss you!”

The truth is that I discovered that I can no longer miss my sweetheart — because he is so much a part of me that, even when the miles separate us, he is right here in my heart the whole time.  I don’t know whether the ancients had the right idea about a kiss uniting souls because the breath that was exchanged was a sharing of spirit; but I do know that our lives — our souls — have woven together over time so that strands of each of us have become a part of the other.  Even when we are apart, each of us continues to weave something new that adds to the tapestry we share — the one that is joined by our hearts — and both of us benefit from the beauty that each of us adds to the picture.  I will be happy to see the car pull in tonight and happy to be able to hug and kiss the man I love and happy to sit next to him in the evening and hold his hand again.

“do u miss me?”

I will love to have you home again and to share with you the adventures of our week apart; but no, I didn’t miss you, because you are always with me — even when you are away.